The row is over. What you do next still matters.

Once the heat has gone, it can be tempting to leave the whole thing alone and hope normal service resumes. Sometimes it does. Sometimes the same argument simply gets stored for next time.

Repair is not about grovelling or taking responsibility for things that were not yours. It is about owning your part, understanding what happened and making the next version of the conversation slightly better.

1. Do not confuse cooling off with repairing

Space can be useful. Silence forever usually is not.

You might both need time before talking properly. That is fine. The important bit is that the conversation has a return point rather than becoming one more thing neither of you mentions.

2. Own the behaviour before explaining the context

Start with the bit that belongs to you.

“I was out of order when I snapped at you.”

Then, if it is useful, explain what was going on underneath it. Stress can explain a reaction without making the reaction okay.

3. A useful apology has a job

A useful apology normally does four things: names what you did, recognises the impact where you can, avoids demanding instant forgiveness, and says what you intend to do differently.

The quickest way to weaken it is attaching “but” to the end.

4. Work out whether anything actually needs changing

“Are we okay?” matters, but it is not the only question.

Also ask: What would make this less likely next time?

Maybe the answer is catching the build-up earlier. Maybe it is taking a pause before the conversation gets nasty. Maybe it is speaking sooner rather than storing three weeks of irritation.

5. If you normally avoid the conversation afterwards

Starting again can feel awkward because you know there is unfinished business. Make the first line smaller.

“Can we have another go at talking about earlier?” is enough.

Communication →

If you want to go further

Something to work through.

After the Row is the current Average Man toolkit for making sense of what happened, owning your part and deciding what you want to do differently next time.

See After the Row →

See the workbook →